Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Future Husbands Do Not Exist

Hello fellow readers, 

I was inspired to write this post after reading a love letter a girl had written to her future husband. To quickly summarize the letter was filled with her hopes and dreams of what her future husband would be like. She has been praying for him for a long time, impatiently hoping that he will one day ride into her life on a white horse. She wants him to be a man of God. She wants him to guard his heart. She wants him to make promises he can keep and she wants him to be entirely the man God has called him to be. 

There is also a lot of talk about her love for him will always remain, no matter how much they fight. She instructs him to constantly remind her of how she should love God more than himself and she promises to do the same to him. 

Skipping a few details that, in a nut shell, is how the letter pans out. She ends her letter with a quick claim stating she may or may not know who this future husband is but promises to pray for him everyday and hopes he will pray for her as well. 

Now let me ask you a question: how should (or could) this poor bloke pray for this girl if he doesn't even know who she is? Doesn't this seem a little... impossible?

Response: No No you're wrong! It is so romantic to pray for your future husband! He's out there somewhere! I will pray for him until I walk to the aisle! You might say...

Well unfortunately girls, your future husband does not exist. He's not actually out there. 


Because the future husband you're praying for is an idea, not a person. You are praying for a set of qualities, a set of characteristics and mannerisms. You're asking God to give you someone who fits into an ideal. In essence, you're asking God to give you a man who is so perfect that you will not even think twice about marrying him. You'll "just know" that he's the one. He'll come riding into your life on a white horse, sweep you off your feet and take you out into the sunset. You won't even have to think twice when he proposes. And even when you guys fight, you'll both know you love each other and it'll work itself out. It will be happily ever after... (romantic sigh)


Anyone who's been in a real relationship before knows that sometimes when you fight you don't know if the person really loves you. In fact, sometimes you are fighting specifically because you are unsure if the other person really loves you. And sometimes when you fight the other person walks out of your life, never to return. 

The harsh reality girls is that it is unhealthy for you to pray for a future husband without a true living person in your heart. If you don't have a person whom you're praying for, you'll constantly compare every guy you meet to this ideal you've stored in the back of your mind. And what's worse is that since you've adamantly prayed about it you somehow feel that God has endorsed this idea. Thus when a truly good guy comes along and he falls short of this vision (as he undoubtedly will) you will take it as a sign that he is not the one God wants for you. The prayers you make for the perfect future husband poison the possibility of you ever actually meeting him. 

A person is the most mysterious thing on earth. A person is not a set of qualities, traits, characteristics, looks, behaviors, etc... A person is so much more, so much so that we cannot actually quantify what a person is. Every label or judgement someone makes about you would undoubtedly fall short of who you actually are. This, by the way is why we are truly able to fall in love with a person, there is mystery. You will never reach a point where you know everything about another person. I've known couples that have been together for 50 years and who are still occasionally surprised by the their spouse. The mystery of the human person is what makes loving each other possible, and quite frankly fun.  You cannot truly fall in love with an idea, you can only be infatuated with it. Ever wonder why God came down to earth as a man? (food-for-thought points). 

Now I hope none of you take this post to mean that I am anti-praying for people. In fact, I am so pro-praying for people that I am urging you girls out there to stop praying for a perfect idea of who your future husband will be. It's unfair to you and it's also completely unfair to the poor guy who wants to date you. There's enough pressure on us guys as it is, the last thing we need is to try to fit into a perfect vision. 

Determining what you want in a spouse is not a bad thing. In fact, it is a very healthy thing. But there is  a definitive difference between knowing what you like in a guy and praying for a husband who fits every aspect of it. The fact is, you will never meet someone who completely satisfies everything you desire in a spouse. When loving someone, there's also a little something called sacrifice. You will have to sacrifice and accept certain things about a person if you are truly to have a lasting relationship. It's a constant dynamic that both of you will have to work on. And by the way, sometimes you won't really know if the other person actually loves you. You have to trust they do. 

So girls, please stop sitting in your bedrooms, praying for a man to be delivered to you on a silver platter. Get off your bed, brush your hair and go out. Start enjoying the company of your friends. Allow your friends to introduce you to new people. Be open to what comes your way and who comes your way. Living your life is the best way to listen to what God is telling you. It is crazy to just keep praying for a future companion and not have the guts to go out and try to find him. The future husband you have in your head does not exist in the real world, and you cannot fall in love with him. You can only fall in love with the idea of him. Your real future husband will be a real person with real flaws. Try to find him not the guy in your head. 

Humanity or Insanity?